50 Things In 2019 That Women (And Anyone Else) Can Do With Their Hands Regardless If Men Like It Or Not, But Also Some Things Men Love

This tweet by Pulp Librarian showed a page from a 1972 Cosmo that had a checklist of things women could do with their hands that men love. It’s a little hard to read, so I’ve taken the time to transcribe a selection of my favorites for you here:

  • Section his grapefruit
  • Light a candle next to the bed
  • Hold his one big hand in your two little ones at the movies
  • Take his pulse (even if you don’t know how)
  • Clip the back of his neck when his new hairstyle is a little too long
  • Lock up your bras
  • Tuck your scented handkerchief under his pillow
  • Count his ribs
  • Hand his orange juice to him while he’s toweling after a shower
  • Make him an ice cream cone
  • Build him a sand castle
  • Shake hands with his ex-wife
  • Frolic in his chest hairs
  • Feel his muscles
  • Pumice his calluses

While each of these sounds like a euphemism for some deliciously randy act “Ooh baby, make me an ice cream cone right there, oh yeah,” they’re not. The list does contain some suggestive entries and some sensual ones as well, but they don’t stand out as powerfully as “Build him a sand castle” and “Count his ribs.”

I thought it might be a good idea to modernize this list a little. After some tinkering, I’ve come up with a much improved alternative that I call:

50 Things In 2019 That Women (And Anyone Else) Can Do With Their Hands Regardless If Men Like It Or Not, But Also Some Things Men Love

  1. Go out with your girlfriends without feeling guilty
  2. Pay attention to the taint
  3. Write a check to Planned Parenthood
  4. Caress his balls
  5. Play video games with him
  6. Use the remote to choose the next show to binge-watch
  7. Lightly rub his frenulum with your thumb
  8. Fight a bitch
  9. Set boundaries with toxic friends
  10. Pick a restaurant for once
  11. Take his underwear he leaves on the floor and put it on his head when he’s sleeping
  12. Take molly with him
  13. Pinch his nose when he’s snoring
  14. Take a selfie at the gym to shame him for not going with you
  15. Stroke the shaft at just the right pressure and speed
  16. Use your turn signals when driving
  17. Masturbate without shame if you feel the urge
  18. Have healthy relationships with your friends
  19. Communicate openly about everything
  20. Dig your nails into his chest when you’re on top
  21. Pick out whatever outfits you want to wear without worrying about anyone’s judgment
  22. Guide his head when he’s going down on you until you have an orgasm. Give him instructions as needed
  23. Protest for all marginalized and oppressed peoples
  24. Take sexy pictures for yourself and only share them if you want to and feel safe
  25. Vote
  26. Call out creepy dudes
  27. Explore your sexuality without shame or worrying about judgment
  28. Smash the patriarchy
  29. Support other women, even if it’s not always easy
  30. Say no when you don’t want to continue
  31. Make sure he doesn’t neglect your ass when he’s down there
  32. Research articles before sharing them to make sure they’re factually accurate
  33. Lightly trace his chest while you tell him about your needs in the bedroom
  34. End a relationship when it’s not right for you
  35. Reply to dick pics with pics of bigger dicks
  36. Let yourself feel your emotions without fear of being judged
  37. Be assertive and ignore those who consider that intimidating or bitchy
  38. Rage against misogyny in all forms
  39. Break out your vibrator during sex if you need it and kick him out if he gets upset
  40. Subscribe and write a review for Dating Kinda Sucks on Apple Podcasts
  41. Put a finger (or two) in his butt and find his prostate. Use lube.
  42. Support every woman’s right to bodily autonomy, even if you might not make the same choices personally
  43. Say no sometimes in social situations and enjoy it
  44. Do a boudoir shoot just for you
  45. Be supportive of performance issues in the bedroom, but don’t let it prevent you from getting your needs met either
  46. Shed the centuries of patriarchal-induced shame and judgment and be your unapologetic self
  47. Cast a spell
  48. Shave, or don’t. It’s your choice.
  49. Post as many selfies as you fucking want to.
  50. Do what makes you happy.

~~ Adam Heath Avitable

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