Generally speaking, we are a society of complainers. Everyone loves to run to Yelp or whatever review site is handily available when something goes wrong, but people rarely make the effort when something goes right. However, looking over the reviews for Dating Kinda Sucks, it warmed the cockles of my heart to see how many of you have left us great reviews (and if you haven’t, why not do it now?), and then it left me wondering: If the women whom I’ve dated left me reviews in the same vein, what would they say? Let’s see, shall we? (Names and situations have been changed to protect the innocent and, in some cases, completely fictionalized for the sake of humor.)
Who was he trying to impress?
“Only after we met did he tell me that I was his first real date after his divorce, and then he launched into this whole story about having an affair and changing his whole life. Umm, save it for your memoir, dude. And dinner was almost $200, which, while delicious, was way too much money to spend on a first date. Did he think I was going to bang him because of how much he spent? Yeah, the conversation was good, but not getting laid good, and definitely not second date good.”
Way too clingy!
“We met each other through a mutual friend and at first, things were great. He seemed understanding when I cried after sex because I missed my ex-fiancee, he took care of me when I had anxiety, and he never failed to make me laugh. But long distance was never going to work, so when I decided to let him down easy by ghosting, he showed his true colors by going insane. Texts pleading with me to just give him some closure, calls over and over again to me and my parents, even emails just asking for a reason. Some people just can’t take a hint.”
Big hands . . .
“You know what they say about big hands, right? Well, it wasn’t true with this one. What he had in average size he made up for in effort, but in the end, I need more than a professional finger blaster to make me happy in a relationship. I also need diamonds and a life of luxury, which was definitely not happening with a struggling comedian and writer. Hit me up when you make it big and maybe I’ll reconsider.”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
“The first time we dated, he was brand new to dating and wasn’t ready to settle down, so I moved on and knew it was the right thing to do. The next time we dated, I was looking for casual and so was he, which seemed perfect, but in the middle of it, he fell into a relationship and I found out on Facebook! Never again.”
Not a good partner
“At first it might seem flattering to be someone’s muse, but after a while, it gets exhausting to realize that inspiring them constantly so they can create works they share with everyone else really leaves very little for the two of you. It broke my heart to end things with him, and I wish I didn’t have to do it. It wasn’t malicious on his part, and he made me cum so hard I passed out a few times, but he should probably be alone forever.”
I’m too insecure for this nonsense
“What woman could date this man? All of his friends are women, he’s their go-to therapist and advisor, he does nude photography of gorgeous women, goes to the strip club, and has a Superman complex. There’s no way I could put myself through this, comparing myself with every single one of his friends and wondering which one he’s secretly fucking behind my back. Even if he never did, you know he wanted to. All men do. I’m giving him three stars because he was a good kisser, though. Probably from practicing on all those whores!”
So genuine and thoughtful
“I was an hour late for our first date, and he waited, which was sweet. He’s also a high-maintenance prima donna, so it was entertaining seeing him put in the effort to visit me at work, even though he washed his hands every 10 seconds. He made me laugh a lot, but in the end, I need my fairytale farm in the woods, and he never would have been able to survive. Plus, he’s an old man.”
Worst experience ever
“We went on one date, and it went great at first! Then we went back to his house, and went into the bedroom and began to fool around. It was fun at first, and I can’t deny he has some skills, but then he asked me to sit on his face. I did, and it was a blast, but then he began to writhe around and threw me off the bed! Apparently he said he couldn’t breathe, but I think he just wanted to humiliate me, so I left. It would have been the end of it, but he keeps telling this story on stage every time he performs, and I’m sick of it!”
⭐⭐ Polly Wants a Cracker
“Such a giant dick. Not in his pants. Just him. He was a giant dick. Kept listening to everything I would say, even when I was testing him by saying really shitty things, and then he’d just nod his head and acknowledge it without getting mad. I said some terrible things that would have made any real man angry, and he just kept his calm, which was fucking infuriating. Who cares that the sex was great and he helped me find a therapist? Fuck him for not giving me the satisfaction of seeing him lose his temper.”
Marry this man!
⭐⭐⭐⭐ Totally Not Avitable Trying To Improve His Reviews
“This guy is the best! He knows how to listen, he genuinely respects women, he loves intimacy and cuddles as much as freaky sex, he’s open to almost anything in the bedroom, he likes to be a caretaker and a comforter and anything else you need, and he’s comfortable expressing emotion. Sure he might talk about you on his podcast, and his brutal openness about himself can make people uncomfortable when he shares deeply personal details of his life, and yeah he might be a bit of a narcissist with an ego, but pobody’s nerfect!”
How would your dates review you? And how would you review Dating Kinda Sucks? (Go here to show us!)