I forget to tell people that I was married. Not just on dating apps, but that’s where it’s relevant to this post. It was 2010 and a lifetime ago. I’m not the same person anymore. My marriage and subsequent failure to keep it alive no longer define me.
On dating apps, the profile is important. People bemoan that nobody reads dating profiles while in the same breath condemning the hook-up culture that permeates modern society, ignoring the fact that the ones who actually do read dating profiles are the ones who are looking for something more than an opportunity to have an orgasm with a stranger.
Am I going to use that precious profile real estate to say that I’m divorced with no kids? No. I’ll use it to talk about 2019 me, the me who looks back at Cro Magnon 2009 Avitable as a step in my evolutionary chain and nothing more. I’ll use that space to describe who my match will encounter now: a cynical romantic, living a starving artist lifestyle, trying his hardest to be open and transparent, respectful and loving, building upon the mistakes of his past instead of burying them. A creative who is filled with passion about his projects, both completed and on the horizon, but occasionally sandbagged by anxiety and depression. A flawed avatar aspiring to be superhuman. Well, that’s what I usually think about writing, but I promote the podcast instead. Let my matches draw their own conclusions as they listen.
As a result, I don’t need to see that you were never married or have kids. Whether you were, or whether you do, it’s not a dealbreaker to me. It shouldn’t be a dealbreaker to anyone. If you like someone’s character, why does it matter? I’ve seen men and women, both in our Facebook group and in emails and chats, state that a single parent won’t make a new dating partner a priority, which is apparently a mortal and unforgivable sin . . . to be a good parent. Why do you think you deserve to be a top priority? How selfish are you? I have no children, and my dating partner isn’t going to be a priority. My already existing life, my creative work, my personal growth and development – they take priority over anyone else’s needs, and someone who’s emotionally healthy will not only understand but appreciate that.
Married, children, never married, no kids – who gives a fuck? I know I don’t.
Adam Heath Avitable