After doing this week’s episode on clickbait articles, especially related to the signs of the zodiac and dating, I decided it was about time to write the definitive horoscope for each of you. Whatever your sign, whatever your relationship status, this is the message from the stars just for you. It will guide you in your love life, enhance your sex life, and bolster your single life. And if you don’t like what your horoscope says, just read the next one down and pretend that’s yours instead. 

Aries

In the near future, you’ll come across someone who will need your help. It might be advice they’re seeking, or assistance with physical labor, or maybe even just trying to pull out in front of you in a busy intersection. Pay close attention to the color red when this happens, but if you don’t see red, look for green, yellow, blue, or purple. This color will play a large factor in your love life.

Warnings: Avoid white men who open carry guns around Walmart. Also, a Taurus in your life may cause problems soon . . . or bring solutions?

Taurus

Your love life is currently like a bowl of spaghetti – limp but full of robust flavor if you put enough sauce on it. Look for someone with some international spice to suddenly enter your life, or at least some Parmesan cheese. Food is your love language, but too much of it will only lead to naps alone. 

Warnings: A beautiful morning will bring a terrible day, especially once you realize it’s Sunday and Chick fil-A is closed.

Gemini

Things are about to get freaky in your life, whether it’s a threesome, a foursome, or you just stay up past 9 PM on a weeknight. Don’t be afraid to express yourself sexually to your partner, your private Tumblr audience, or that neighbor who can see in your bedroom window. Communication is key, and speaking of keys, yours are on the counter. Don’t forget them.

Warnings: Take some antacid, because you’ve got a random case of heartburn coming up for no reason. 

Cancer

You know that person who messages you constantly even though you never reply? You’ve been tempted to finally respond to see if they’ll stop, but don’t do it. They’ll never stop. Just block them already, even though you secretly enjoy the attention every time they send a “sup” or “yo” at 3 AM. Also, block your ex on social media already and stop stalking them. Move on!

Warnings: That cute profile you just matched with that wants you to click a link to verify your identity is a bot. Don’t fall for it.

Leo

One of your neighbors has a crush on you. No, no that one. Not that one either. Yeah, *that* one. You might want to change up the hours you leave and enter for a little while. Annnnnnnnd maybe go to the other grocery store for a few weeks. You never know who you’ll meet in the produce aisle (probably the neighbor, tbh). This isn’t a good month for dating right now, so just focus on Thanksgiving instead.

Warnings: Run full speed away from anyone wearing Crocs with socks.

Virgo

There’s something you’ve been wanting to explore sexually for quite a while but have been too scared to try. This is the time! Ask a partner, find a stranger on Reddit, or just do it on your own. The world’s going to end soon enough anyway, so you might as well get your rocks off and to hell with those uptight puritanical feelings of guilt instilled in you for years.

Warnings: Buy batteries and lube. And more lube. And more batteries.

Libra

Nobody is ever going to want to be with you if you don’t think you’re worth it. Get some self confidence by posting your nudes anonymously on the Internet. Every like and thirsty comment is a 10% boost to your self esteem, so level up like a video game character and stop letting anyone else take the wind out of your sails. That’s your job!

Warnings: Don’t try Facebook Dating. It’s bloody awful.

Scorpio

Listen up, buttercup. Your sign is not your chance to be a jerk to someone else and blame it on astrology. Own up to your behavior, and you might find that someone who likes you might finally be willing to take a chance. Or maybe not because you ruined it. Typical Scorpio.

Warnings: Death is coming. Might be tomorrow. Might be next week. Might be in eighty years after a wholly fulfilling life. But it’s coming.

Sagittarius

It’s likely that your next long-term relationship will be with someone who can’t even spell your astrological sign. Give them a break unless they confuse “your” and “you’re” too. Did they even graduate from high school? Wait – how old are they? Check their ID right now!

Warnings: Someone you trust is saying something behind your back right now. Who in your life gossips about everyone to you? It’s that person. Shun them. SHUNNNNN.

Capricorn

Avoid musicians, or artisans, or anyone who works with their hands, or anyone with fingers. Just avoid everyone for at least a week, but keep swiping on dating apps with a little bit of cautious optimism. The next time you have sex is going to be truly amazing, absolutely terrible, or somewhere in the middle.

Warnings: You can’t live on shredded cheese alone. Seriously. It’s going to end badly.

Aquarius

Your ego gets in your way sometimes. Yes, it’s good to be confident, but sometimes a little humility goes a long way. Like spreading mustard on bread. Not mayo – mayo you spread thick. But mustard should just be spread lightly and it gives everything a bite to it. What were we talking about again? 

Warnings: If someone offers to sit on  your face, make sure you can easily lift them in case of a suffocation emergency.

Pisces

Just because you’re a Pisces, it doesn’t mean you should use Plenty of Fish. Cast your hook further out and you’ll find someone. It might be another fish just like you. It might be an angry bear. Who knows? Be prepared to have a blast or run for your life.

Warnings: That outfit does NOT work.

There you go! What do you think about your horoscope? Is it so you? Classic astrology!

-Adam Heath Avitable